Port Charles Chuckles

The Comparison NO ONE Saw Coming

It's official, General Hospital has now polluted every aspect of my life.

It was inevitable, I suppose - - I spent the entire summer anticipating my one reality show guilty pleasure,  Dancing with the Stars (I know, I played that one close to the vest by only mentioning my excitement a dozen or so times), only to be majorly disappointed by it's premiere. 

Coming off of my high from the surprisingly enjoyable Monday General Hospital, I was all set for a fabulous night of television, only to be crushed by cruel reality.

I had many random thoughts during last night's opener - - not the least of which was: what is up with Samantha's ridiculously shaped dress?  Followed shortly by: maybe she's pregnant again?  And then, giddy excitement as I wondered how soon I might look forward to her maternity leave and the return of infinitely entertaining interim co-host Drew Lachey.

My most troubling realization however, came mid-way through the show when Donny Osmond and his partner Kym Johnson danced to "All that Jazz" and, though Donny was by far the best male dancer to that point in the evening, I found myself unable to enjoy his performance because all I could think was jazz hands.

What the heck?

Donny 

Sonny 

The wholesome, All-American, perfect-teethed Osmond family has now officially been ruined for me.

Must Sonny Corinthos and General Hospital taint everything that I love?

Apparently so - - thanks a whole heck of a lot, Bob.

Some People Never Learn

So there's this family who are clients at the veterinary clinic where I work, and they have a ten year old chocolate Lab named Fudgie.  Fudgie is a typical Lab - - he loves to wag his tail, go for walks, and eat, especially eat. 

Much like the titular character from Marley & Me, the Vet has seen Fudgie on many different occasions over the years due to foreign objects that he has ingested.  Amongst the numerous baby sock and stuffed animal debacles over the years, the most memorable visits in my mind were the infamous rubber-Elmo incident of 2003 and the oven-mitt ingestion of 2005. 

This year, we saw Fudgie because the Mellotts had re-done their backyard using quarter-sized landscaping stones that he found tasted absolutely delicious.  After a difficult and expensive surgery wherein twenty-three stones were removed from his stomach and intestines, Fudgie was placed on an all liquid diet as he recovered in hospital.

One week later, the Mellotts celebrated his return home by releasing Fudgie back into the yard, where he promptly ingested six more landscaping stones.

Because they hadn't removed them from the yard.

Or fenced off the area so that he couldn't reach them.

Because they thought the dog had learned his lesson, somehow???

Speaking of which, you know who else is as dumb as a box of rocks? - - Sonny Corinthos.

This is the post otherwise known as:  another reason why Sonny Corinthos is the world's worst father.  Remember when Michael bought a gun and Sonny told him that if he ever got caught with a gun again, he'd better keep on running, so Michael did?  All the way to Canada?  On a cargo ship?  After shooting Kate (the first time)? 

Good times, those.

Well, clearly Sonny doesn't remember those golden days, as evidenced by the following conversation (starting at minute 4): 

 

"You killed the baby"

"Your baby brother died because of what you did"

Geez, Sonny - - that was totally code for "you'd better go on the lam now and take your sister with you so the entire show can now revolve around the so-called adults chasing after you". 

Of course, maybe I misunderstood, maybe Sonny was trying to say "everyone makes mistakes Michael, lord knows I've made one or two, remember the time I shot your mother while she was in labor with your brother?"  Although, somehow, I doubt it - - - it's going to be a looooong August.

Remind me again, why am I still watching this crap-fest?

Oh right, some people never learn.

From the "Pot, meet Kettle" Files

This week's General Hospital saw some surprising highs (JOlivia, whoduh thunk it?) and some interminable lows (nuMichael's new teenage "personality", and the hideous "Holly extorts for paternity results" nonsense), but upon reflection, nothing seemed particularly noteworthy.

Except for maybe, the fact that it was a banner week for Michael Corinthos II.  Not only did Sonny get my non-existent screencap of the millenium on Wednesday, but he followed it up with my nomination for dialogue of the day on Friday.

I usually like to reserve space in this section for genuinely well-written and insightful dialogue, however, a quick skim of this sub-heading reveals that General Hospital hasn't had any praise-worthy dialogue since . . . . well, Night Shift 2.  So, let's just go with some head-scratching dialogue instead.

Mike has just informed Sonny that he caught Edward in Michael's hospital room trying to convince him to move-in with the Quartermaines.  Sonny is trying to muster up some fatherly concern, but he is preoccupied with the fact that he saw Johnny in only a towel last night (I would be too Sonny, no worries).

Sonny:  I respect Edward, and you know what, if he wants to hate me, he can hate me, but he's not taking Michael. {Not unless Cook can hang me from a meathook in the Quartermaine walk-in!}

Mike:  Hey, I just wanted you. . . to be aware. {Ed: If you meant self-aware, that ship has already sailed Mike, about a decade ago}

Sonny:  This is -- eh

Mike:  Something else bothering you? {really, don't let your son's miraculous recovery from a coma brighten your spirits or anything}

Sonny: Yeah, I lost my keys.

Mike: Hey. Something else?

Sonny: Huh?

Mike: Something else?

Sonny: Okay. Have you seen Johnny, my brother-in-law, hanging around Olivia lately?

Mike:  Olivia. And John Zacchara?

Sonny:  I saw them both in her apartment. It's a dangerous situation. The guy is not very stable. {Ed. note: he's not very stable??!?? Hypocrite much?  Don't get all judge-y about Johnny's sanity or lack thereof until after he has shot his wife in the head while she's giving birth, okay, Sonny-boy?}

Mike:  Then why do you let the guy work for you? {Ed: an excellent point, Mike Corbin}

Sonny:  I have my reasons, believe me, but I wouldn't wish him on any woman I respect. {Ed: You respect women? }

Mike:  Yeah, well, you know, I'm just not ah -- I'm really not seeing why it's anybody's business who Olivia is sleeping with, okay?

Sonny: This is crazy. {Ed: this entire conversation or only your self-righteous attitude?}

Mike: Unless you and she -- I thought that was over in high school.

Sonny:  It was. {Except it's never truly over, once they've slept with me, they belong to me forever}

Mike: So how come you're acting like a guy who got cheated on?

Sonny: Olivia and I are friends. We're -- you know, we talk and she's somebody I can count on, and, uh -- we're from the same place.

Mike: Yeah, yeah. You're jealous.

Sonny: I'm not jealous. I'm worried because Olivia is lonely, and I don't want her to get mixed up with the wrong guy. {Ed: again, ship already sailed, about twenty years ago - - apparently left behind a tiny schooner as a memento}

Mike: Yeah, well, uh, interesting reaction coming from a guy whose wife is pregnant.

Sonny: This -- this is not about Claudia. It's about her brother. {Ed: insert your own creepy sexual sub-text here}

Let me just sum-up by saying: