Okay, who am I kidding? 2008 wasn't the best of anything when it comes to General Hospital, except for maybe "best reason to drink heavily in the middle of the afternoon".
The title of this entry is misleading - - in truth, I get a perverse pleasure out of bastardizing great works of literature for my own soap-related purposes. If I haven't yet offended the legacies of James Steinbeck, Louisa May Alcott or William Shakespeare with my blog titles, then I must be having a slow week.
In any event, I sat down to write a year-end recap several weeks ago, and found myself having a Dickens of a time! I was severely at a deficit when it came to the "best" side of the equation. I could think of plenty of "worst" items, but very few "best"s where General Hospital was concerned.
In an effort to stick to my New Year's Resolution of "be more positive" (here we are on the second day of 2009 and already it's been quite a challenge), I have come up with a unique solution to my dilemma - - it will require "creative" use of the English language, complicated acrobatics, suspension of disbelief, and quite possibly strong narcotics, but I will come up with categories in which General Hospital was the "best" this year - - here goes nothing:
The Best & Worst of General Hospital 2008
Best Performance in a Painfully Horrible Storyline Involving the Death of a Legacy Character : Kirsten Storms as Maxie
Kirsten Storms brought unexpected layers to the character of Maxie Jones after the tragic death of Georgie, last December. From Maxie's initial disbelief, to her all-encompassing grief, to her rage at mom Felicia, to the character's eventual softening through her unusual friendship with Spinelli, Storms was always pitch-perfect.
Worst Abuse of a Thesaurus : Whomever is writing for Damian Spinelli
No one, computer geek or not, speaks like this! I have a fondness for recherche vocabulary myself, but I have never thrown as many useless phrases into one sentence as his writers do. It's as if there's an internal contest going on between the script-writers to make the most viewer heads explode. Spinelli's dialogue is enough to make any sane person wish that the Goth God of Zoon really would descend upon the evil-dooers and put us all out of our misery!
Best Reason for Self-Lobotomy : Tumor-Emily
Of all the dumb-ass ideas that Bob Guza has had over the years (and there have been many), this ranks as one of the worst. There were points during this story where I thought I might be developing a brain tumor, myself. Alas, if only I had gotten off that easily.
Best Use of a Road-Trip : Diane and Alexis compete for Litigator of the Year
Diane and Alexis - - two smart, funny, and fiercely competitive attorneys - - this was a friendship that was destined to develop, and boy did it! Nancy Lee Grahn and Carolyn Henessey were one of the few consistently funny duos this year, and I sure needed the laugh.
Worst Use of a Road-Trip : Ric takes a stroll down memory lane in Martha's Vineyard
I used to imagine that it would take real effort to ruin giving Ric Lansing his own storyline - - turns out, all it took was a waitress named Borianna.
Best Use of a Doctor to Make the Gangsters Look like Heroes : Dr. Ian Devlin
Seriously, does Patrick have any college buddies who aren't skeevy? Anyone else remember lecherous professor Pete? Now his med-school pal is a drug-dealing, prostitute-employing, child-maiming wack-a-do? Seamus Dever brought spark and vitality to the role of General Hospital's new doctor, Ian Devlin. His performance seemed to allude to a depth of character that the writers never bothered to explore. In the end, the character was just another baddie brought on to make Sonny and Jason look good by comparison.
Worst Resurrection of a Dead Character who we all saw DIE ON SCREEN : Diego Alcazar
In a soap-year that included organ-donor Jesse from All My Children coming back from the dead, this was a tough prize to win. Fortunately, Bob Guza and his crack(smoking)-staff were equal to the challenge. Having a deceased character revealed as the TMK who had been haunting Port Charles was quite a surprise *coughcop-outcough*, indeed. Props to Ignacio Serricho however, his go-for-broke performance as the psycho bent on revenge was the only bright spot in this dismal cluster-fudge of a story.
Best Treatment of a War Veteran by Bob Guza : Cooper Barrett
No really, I'm serious - - he got off better than Connor or Logan did, at least he died before he could be vilified. *Snifle* it's a shame they never explored Coop's family background though, I was dying to know the Barrett connection.
Worst Misuse of Brutal Hotness : Logan's coma (as well as the preceding & subsequent four months)
When thousands of squealing girls said they wanted to see Josh Duhon in bed, this wasn't what they meant. Come On! When the show has nothing else going for it, at least give viewers a little eye-candy, Guz. I wouldn't have quibbled at an actual storyline for the grandson of original PC denizens Lee and Gail, either. It's a shame that Logan didn't turn out to be Sonny's long-lost son, he might still be alive.
Best Use of Real-World Circumstance : The Writer's Strike
Whomever was writing the show during the strike knew what the audience wanted to see - - less mob, more romance, less violence, more screentime for long-running cast members - - the scabs had the right idea, makes me think some of them had actually watched a soap opera before. Maybe Brian Frons should try promoting people like that? Maybe pigs will fly tomorrow?
Worst Crime Against Geometry : The "Triangle" between Logan/Lulu/Johnny
I don't want to imply that Guza can't count, but there were only ever two people involved in that storyline.
Best Reason to Take a Shower (or 5) : Trevor Lansing
Slimy, sleazy, and just plain reprehensible, the character gives me the heebie-geebies, but I'd still rather see him on-screen than Sonny Corinthos.
Best Development of an Unlikely Friendship : Spinelli and Maxie
This relationship took two characters who I never really cared for individually and peaked my interest. Both characters have grown through their association with each other, allowing the actors to explore different facets of their personalities and providing depth to previously one-dimensional caricatures. Honorable mention goes to Patrick and Coleman - - another unorthodox kinship that works.
Worst Romantic Pairing : Jerry and Alexis
The smoking hot chemistry of the actors aside, there was nothing about this couple that made the slightest amount of sense. As if the fact that Jerry took a lobby full of people hostage, shot Robin, killed Alan, poisoned Nikolas, etc. could be overlooked (by the District Attorney!!!) for a sexy accent and a nice suit? Alexis was never that stupid, even when she was schtupping Sonny.
Best Sam Spade Impression : Damian Spinelli
Yup, of ALL the black and white fantasy detective sequences taking place on soap operas this year, Spinelli's was the "best".
Best Return of a Character's Testicles : Jasper Jax
Few things were more satisfying to my Jax-loving heart, than when Jax finally called Carly on her BS and kicked her to the curb. Sadly, he was re-neutered later that same week and a reconciliation appears to be in the works.
Worst Abuse of Modern Technology : Blog Wars
Who thought anything was going to top last year's "special" effects of Spoon Island? Not I, that's for sure. Always one to rise to a challenge, Bob Guza managed to top himself once again with Robin and Patrick's interminable internet-feud.
Best Use of Derogatory Slurs Directed at Women : Sonny Corinthos
If the "hero" of the show wasn't busy calling Claudia a whore, he was busy calling her a slut. I'm afraid I have to dock him for creativity, but he wins hands-down on sheer frequency.
Best Reason to Gouge Your Eyes Out : CarSon Limo Sex
This was the cherry on the sundae of Michael's never-ending coma story. Oedipus had the right idea, there are some things so horrific that they can't be unseen.
Best Reason NOT to Believe in the Democratic Process : The Daytime Emmys
It's not only that General Hospital won for best show. Well, it's mostly that, but also Sherri Sheperd's screeching, the shameless plugging of Ricky Paul Goldin and Beth Ehlers by AMC, Julie Marie Berman's fate-tempting suggestion of a Sonny/Lulu romance, and the awesome Anthony Geary's counter-intuitive win in a year where the majority of his material was utter crap. Jeanne Cooper was supremely fabulous, however.
Best Reason to Campaign for Forced Sterilization : The revelation that Sonny has another child
As if there weren't enough mini-mobsters already running around Port Charles, it turns out that Sonny had super-sperm even in highschool. I can't wait until Dante is introduced onto the canvas. Oh wait, actually, I can.
Worst Misrepresentation of the Judicial Process : Johnny's murder trial
The phrase "conflict of interest" was invented for situations such as this. The prosecutor was the victim's father, the suspect's father was strong-arming the DA, half the jury knew both the victim and the suspect. Soaps are known for their improbable circumstances, but this was beyond ridiculous. Is Guza even trying anymore??
Best Use of an Inspirational Book for Mob-Propping Purposes : Liz referencing Randy Pausch
Yes, Elizabeth Webber used the message behind Pausch's book The Last Lecture as justification for being romantically involved with a hitman, in spite of the danger to herself and her small children. Just when you thought he couldn't possibly sink any lower, Guza hit new lows on the shameless-scale.
Best Reason to Fast-Forward : The Sonny, Jason and Carly-hour
It is a scientific fact that in any given week, approximately 113% of the screentime is devoted to the three horsepeople of the soapy-apocalypse, with the rest of the cast sharing the remaining 2% amongst themselves. Newsflash: If I wanted to watch a show focusing solely on three characters, I'd be watching primetime in the first place. And if I wanted explosions and gunfights, I'd upgrade to HBO!
Best Reason to Bring Back Cement-Shoes : Karpov's incompetence with a knife
Now, I would think that if one could count on the Russian mob for anything, it would be the ability to "off" someone quickly and efficiently. Alas, not only can Karpov not hit the broad side of an artery at 2 inches away, apparently he didn't think to lock the chains he wrapped around Sonny's ankles before he dropped him into the river. If he was old-school, this never would have happened - - cement shoes all the way, and how about a pair for "heroine" Carly, too?
Best Reason to Hope for the Future : Emma Scorpio Drake
Need I say more?
Best Glimpse into How Good the Show Could Be : Sliding Doors
Robin's Thanksgiving dream was perfection, if only we saw more of this on a regular basis.
Worst Impersonation of a 70's Sitcom / Best Reason to Live Alone : Maxie, Lulu, and Johnny co-habitate
Complete with Spinelli as Mr. Roper. There is definite potential for humor here, it's just that the writers and I clearly have a different definition of the word. For example, I find the loud-sex and orgasm-faking to be cringe-inducing, classless, and tacky, whereas Guza clearly thinks its charming.
Best Church Gathering : Robin and Patrick's Wedding (part 1 and 2)
This is what soap-dreams are made of. Wedding #1 also snags Best One-Liner : "Is there a doctor in the house?" And you know what? There were actually several!
Worst Church Gathering : Sonny and Kate's Almost-Wedding
It was curtains for this couple when the bride got shot (again). Actually, I get the impression that Kate would have over-looked her (second!!!) shooting in six months, it was how Sonny chose to respond that was the deal-breaker for her.
Best Example of Why Bob Guza Should Never be Allowed to Speak : His response to the back-lash over Michael's shooting
It really was hard to pick just one example this year, what with all the nonsense spewing forth. When Guza wasn't busy blaming the scabs for his own awful storylines or lying to the press about his close personal friendship with Vanessa Marcil, he was "setting the record straight" with his forked tongue regarding General Hospital rumors. However, in a year with so many contenders, the winner by a landslide is his insane assertion that Michael deserved to be shot in the head as punishment for buying a handgun. Bob, take my advice: stop speaking, it does nothing to improve the silence. Oh, and it couldn't hurt if you stop writing too, while you're at it.
Best April Fool's Day Prank : General Hospital's 45th Anniversary Montage
It wasn't just that it only lasted for 46 seconds, it was also that only three of the clips included took place BSC (Before Sonny Corinthos). It just goes to show that Bob Guza doesn't think the show existed before he started writing it. Talk about BSC (bat-spit-crazy)!!
Best Use of an Undead Character : Track-suit Alan Quartermaine
No, really, I'm being sincere - - it's all a matter of degrees. Say what you will about the ludicrous Tracy's conscience-Alan storyline, it was nice to see Stuart Damon on-screen a little more. Besides, compared to tumor-Emily and zombie-Logan, Alan is sitting pretty in polyester.
Best Use of Soaps as an Educational Tool : Campbell's Heart Disease Month
I applaud the show's effort to raise awareness and provide education on a very important issue that affects many women in this country on a daily basis - - Prego pasta sauce. I've often found myself wondering 3 Cheese or Sausage & Pepper? Microwave or stove-top? Plastic or paper? Thanks to a joint effort by General Hospital and Campbell's Soup, now I know how to keep my heart healthy so I can live long enough to get shot on my wedding day.
Best Use of 18th Century Moral Standards & Codes of Conduct : Anthony Zacchara
There was a time-period in history where a man who had raped a woman was required to compensate her father financially for the loss of her virginity because she was now less valuable for future marrying-potential. It was called The Dark Ages, and Anthony Zacchara still remembers that time - - so does Bob Guza, apparently. Daddy dearest wins this prize for calling Claudia a whore for having sex with Trevor when she was only 16 years old.
Worst Use of a Mysterious Past : The Secret Life of Aunt Raylene
Ever the visionary, Bob Guza managed to combine two subjects that we really need to see more of in daytime (farming and patent law) into one brilliant storyline. And to think, we could have been watching Tyler Christopher shirtless or some other such nonsense instead!
Best Confirmation of Long-Held Belief that Guza Strives to Emulate The Sopranos : "Special" Guest Star, Vincent Pastore
When I look at the canvas of characters that General Hospital has, and I think of a number of characters who's family I'd like to see fleshed-out a little further . . . . well, the Giambetti clan doesn't even make the list! Was there anyone out there wondering about the paternity of tweedle-dumb and tweedle-dumber? Anyone? On the plus side, there's always the remote possibility that some real-life wise-guy witnessed the carnage that was Maximus' painful storyline and plans to "whack" Guza for his demeaning portrayal of mobsters. I live in hope.
Worst Casting Decision : NOT giving Genie Francis a Contract
Of all the bone-headed, dumb-ass decisions made by TPTB through-out 2008, this may be the worst. Genie Francis' brief return reminded us all how a truly great performance can make up for numerous short-comings elsewhere in the storyline. Luke and Laura's chemistry remains untouchable, Scott and Laura were a revelation,Tracy and Laura throwing-down over Luke was outstanding, as was Laura's (all too brief) interaction with all three of her children. The return of Laura Spencer is just what General Hospital needs to get back to it's soapy-roots.
Let's end on a high-note, shall we?
Best Use of Legacy Characters, Veteran Actors, Special Guest Stars, Hospital Setting, Romance, Absence of the Mob, and Antonio Sabato Jr. Shirtless : Night Shift 2
If you didn't watch it, buy the DVD, seriously. The return of Robert Scorpio AND Jagger Cates, the Scrubs romance, hospital-centered storylines, and guest-star Chad Allen!!! Night Shift 2 was a reminder of why soaps were so popular in the first place. A reminder to viewers that is, I make no promises about the idiots in control.
Well, there you have it folks! As it turns out, there was far more at which General Hospital excelled this year, than I originally thought. I might actually be able to keep my "be more positive" resolution for another couple of days, afterall.
It's all about perspective, you see.
Some advice for General Hospital viewers in 2009 - - - try standing on your head.
