Port Charles Chuckles

"Of All The Gin Joints, In All The Towns. . . .

. . . in all the world, she walks into mine."

I realize that starting with a quote from a classic like Casablanca might accidentally mis-lead the reader into believing that I have something positive to say about General Hospital.  To which I reply - - - are you new here?

No, I'm afraid this is the prelude to yet another rant about how absolutely god-awful and contrived this whole "Lulu goes cuckoo" storyline is.  You'd think that I'd eventually run out of things to kvetch about, but in that department, Guza's incompetence is the gift that just keeps giving.

Let me pose a hypothetical question - - if you were on the run from the law, and your girlfriend was losing her grip on reality, and you had to choose which mental hospital to have her committed to, would you:

( a.) take advantage of your current proximity to Bellvue

( b.)  drive across the border to Canada and commit her to the first nut-house you come to  

or

( c.) drive back to the city where you allegedly committed murder, kidnapped said-girlfriend and stole the mayor's car whilst making your armed escape, and where no-doubt your picture is up at every local post office and donut shop.

I know, it's a tough one, think hard. 

Seriously? Guza expects us to suspend our disbelief that much?  Viewers are really supposed to think that Johnny is so stupid, that he would take an unhinged Lulu back to Port Charles, to the very same funny farm where her mother currently resides, where the entire staff knows her face?

Yes, I'm confused too, brutally-hot-formerly-alive-Logan.

Of all the mental hospitals, in all the towns, in all the world, they walk into the one that happens to be located in Scott Baldwin's jurisdiction. 

I am in complete agreement Alexis, it defies credulity.  Would it have been too much trouble for Guza to come up with something believable? Anything?  I mean, really?

Maybe Lourdes was freaked out by Lulu's shrieking-at-walls behavior, and called the cops?  Maybe Sal saw Johnny's "wanted" picture and decided to pay him back for the murder of his father?  Maybe the PCPD was actually the slightest bit competent and managed to track Johnny and Lulu into the city?  Maybe they had a trace on Claudia's cell phone and managed to narrow down their location to within a few blocks?  Cops do that all the time on other (read: better) shows! 

There were any number of plausible ways for Johnny and Lulu to get caught, this is just another example of lazy writing.

Not to be completely negative, on the bright-side - - I'm thinking Johnny and Lulu's capture means an end to jailbait and her gang-banging brother, so cheers to that!

Plus, Lulu's commitment to Shady Brook can only mean one thing - - - the return of Genie Francis is imminent!!!

On another positive note, I continue to enjoy Julie Marie Berman's performance, even if I do not enjoy the enormous plot-holes in her storyline.  I have been hearing a bit of criticism for her OTT performance recently, to which I reply: 

I have no idea what you're talking about, this . . .

. . . is exactly the expression I made at my last birthday, after counting the number of candles on the cake!

screencaps courtesy of laurieluvsliasonand LiznJase

It Just Keeps Getting Better

It’s been four weeks since the character of Logan Hayes brutally bit the dust. In honor of that anniversary, I thought I would weigh-in to provide a status-report on the travesty that is this storyline. 

Now, I thought I was irritated when Guza decided to make Logan a drug-dealer.  And I thought I was irritated when Guza decided to make Logan a homicidal attempted-rapist.  And I thought I was irritated when they decided to have Lulu actually kill Logan.  However, all of that is small potatoes compared to the fact that they are now making Logan a flippin' joke.

On the plus-side, Josh Duhon is getting more screen-time now that Logan is dead, than he did in the preceding six months while the character was still alive.

Unfortunately for Josh (and viewers at home) his screen-time (so far) consists of standing around in exceedingly subtle (not) Dawn of the Dead make-up, whilst bathed in an eerie green light.

I am not joking, it's ghastly.

See what I mean?  The bloody knife is still sticking out of his stomach.

Brutally Hot - - -

 Not Brutally Hot - - -

Duhon’s last taping day is sometime this week, meaning we’ll be seeing Logan on-screen for another couple weeks in ghastly vision-form. Oh goodie, this should be a laugh riot.

Did I mention that the knife is still sticking out of his stomach?!?

Maybe, as long as Guza’s on a roll for gratuitous gore, he could think of some reason to start re-playing Emily’s death-by-strangulation again?  I did so enjoy that the first ten times around.

I will admit to having been concerned when I first heard that Logan would still be on canvas for several weeks after his demise.  I had visions of flashbacks that would paint the character in an unfavorable light, bastardizing yet another legacy character in order to prop the almighty and heroic mob. 

While I am greatly relieved that appears not to be the case, I can't help but wonder exactly what the purpose of cheesy, corpse-like-Logan is?  If the intention is to drive Lulu mad from guilt, wouldn't that be better accomplished if Logan looked more like the adorable boy she once loved, rather than Boris Karloff?  Wouldn't that subtlety be more terrifying than a zombie-like doppleganger haunting her?  Wouldn't seeing the "real" Logan be harder for Lulu to handle, on an emotional level?  More believable?

Sorry, I forgot where I was for a moment, "believable" and "subtle" are not concepts that exist in Guza-land.

I'm going to have to add to my growing list of things a soap opera is not intended to be.  In addition to "The Sopranos" and "pornography", a soap is also not supposed to be a zombie flick.  My irritation with this sloppy, ill-conceived storyline continues to grow. Those thumb-screws are regaining their appeal, I need to go to my happy place - - let's remember the glory days of Logan Hayes.

What was Logan doing this time last year?

Oh yeah, not playing the piano slathered in pancake make-up.

  

The above photo-retrospective has been brought to you by my embarrassingly large, fan-girly screen-cap collection of Josh Duhon in various states of shirtless-ness.

On second thought, remembering the good old days does not improve my mood, it depresses me further. 

Last summer, there were actually one or two non-mob-related storylines going on. 

Last summer, Emily and Georgie and Coop and Logan were all still alive. 

Last summer, Michael may have been a terrifying tweenager, but he had not yet been shot in the head.

Last summer, Lulu's sanity was still a relatively safe bet.  So was mine. . . .ah, the good old days. . . .

 

screecaps courtesy of LiznJase and Laurieluvsliason.

Re-making Xanadu Is Better Conceived Than This

I’ve hit upon a new strategy, it is called the list, jingle, and limerick strategy. Rather than having to put my thoughts into complete sentence format, I will now be griping via the more user-friendly list-format.

The advantages to this new plan are numerous - - firstly, it requires less effort on my part to write. This is brilliant, because it’s all I can do to form coherent sentences regarding General Hospital these days without extreme use of profanity. I’m not just talking my usual "flip"-this and "frack"-that either, no, I mean the real "F" word, I mean business, I mean "fudge". Secondly, the list format is reader-friendly in addition to being writer-friendly, it will allow for quick reading. Lastly, the most important advantage, is the lack of repetition. After all, there are only so many ways to say "incompetent nincompoop" before one starts to sound unoriginal - - this will circumvent that problem when I am discussing Guza.

I may have commented once or twice or thrice on my dislike of the shoddily constructed Logan-death-story and subsequent cover-up.

Soon, I promise to stop harping on how much this storyline defies credulity. . . . but not today. 

Jimminy Chistmas!  You'd think if Johnny could count on his sister for anything it would be skill in nefarious activity.  What kind of mob princess is she - - - she can't even cover up a self-defense death competently? She didn't just do a lousy job either, Claudia covered up Logan's death so poorly, that the PCPD was on their trail in a matter of minutes.  The PCPD for crying out loud!?!  Michael eluded the cops for longer when he shot Kate, for heaven's sake!  Talk about embarrasing, the Ziblings were bested in Mob101 by the tween-age-terror.  

I shall say no more, except to leave you with a list of catastrophic incidents that were more effectively thought-out beforehand than Claudia's cover-up of Logan's death.

Top Ten Events that Were Better Planned (and Executed) than the Cover-up of Logan's Death

10.) Kevin Costner’s Waterworld

9.) The Text Message Killer denouement

8.) Brittany Spears and K. Fed’s marriage

7.) Judith Chapman’s Emmy outfit this year

6.) The Ford Edsel

5.) "New" formula Coca-Cola

4.) Janet Jackson’s "wardrobe malfunction" at The Super Bowl

3.) Transportation by dirigible

2.) The Titanic’s evacuation strategy

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

1.) The Battle of the Little Big Horn