Port Charles Chuckles

Hit Me With Your Best Shot . . . Again

I spent a few hours this past weekend fast-forwarding through several weeks worth of General Hospital on my DVR.  The good news is: it didn't take very long (what with the death of Logan and absence of Scrubs meaning that there was practically no one non-mobular on-screen for me to watch).  The bad news is:  it didn't take very long.

I was largely ambivalent about the SKate wedding pre-amble (which took up 90% of the show for the two weeks that I just finished watching) because, just when the couple were starting to grow on me, the limo-sex reveal took place and Kate took exactly two minutes to get over Sonny's repeated infidelity and continue on blithely with their wedding plans, thus losing any respect from me that the character was starting to garner.

Kate was once a fierce and independent (if bitchy) business woman.  Now, she's just another brainless mob moll, a doormat for Sonny.  So much so in fact, that as much as I abhore the gratuitous violence on General Hospital, I found myself thinking "what did you expect you nit-wit?" as Kate lay bleeding in the chapel in her designer dress. 

Side note:  did anyone else find it flippin' hysterical that they used Ave Maria for the soundtrack of Kate's shooting?  That's the same song that was used for the trailer to the Hitman movie.  It makes me chuckle, because at least someone at GH is aware of what the show has become.

Which brings me to the title of this rant.  Several months ago, when Claudia paid Maxie to seduce Johnny, I complained about how there was just too much history repeating on this show.  I think I'm having another deja vu right now - - like, you know, I've seen it before and I didn't like it the first time, and I'm pretty sure I'm not going to like it any better the second time around.  Especially, because it's all leading up to the spawn of Sonny-reveal that I so do not need.

How is this possible?  How can Guza be so unoriginal that he is shooting the same woman, in the same place, for the same reason, in the space of the same year?

Now, don't spoil it for me because I haven't fast-forwarded through the aftermath of the shooting yet (there's only so much I can take at one time), but I just bet that Sonny is going to have the same damn reaction to this shooting, that he had to the last one.

For those who are new here, let me clarify: that will be the "Sonny goes batspitcrazy and starts randomly losing his shit with everyone and vowing payback on those he thinks (incorrectly) responsible and it will fall to Jason to prevent Sonny from causing the entire town to erupt in gunfire (more so than normal) by starting mob-war # 3,583" reaction.

It's going to be an "explosive" fall on General Hospital, that's for sure.

Hit me with your best shot is right, you'd better make mine a double!

I've Seen it Before, and I'll See it Again...

Remember when TBS was going to start showing Sex and the City repeats? And they had a great clips montage set to "History Repeating"?

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Remember how perfect that was?

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Well, General Hospital could totally use that song for this ridiculous upcoming Lulu/Maxie/Johnny storyline, but the term "great", so does not apply here.

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I may have mentioned before, that if you (as head writer) choose to plagiarize, your source material should be worth copying in the first place (little tip for Guza - - this will not include anything on GH for the past few years).

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Anyway, apparently they’re trying the whole Logan/Maxie bet ala Cruel Intentions thing, again this summer. This time there will be an Indecent Proposal slant, just in case Maxie wasn’t unlikable enough already. Now, she’ll be screwing Johnny for revenge and money.

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Which is great, because we need more demeaning portrayals of women on General Hospital right now.

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Now, I’m not really a big fan of Maxie’s in the first place, but even I am offended on behalf of her character, for being saddled with such a degrading plot-point. Especially, because we all know where it’s heading - - the propping of JoLu.

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Johnny will not fall for Maxie’s machinations because he is good and honorable and his heart is pure. And Lulu (I assume) will somehow end up looking better through her comparison with Maxie, during this storyline.

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Now, I honestly don’t mind JoLu, but if the writers have to work this hard to bolster interest, maybe they should take the hint that they’re backing the wrong horse?

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There’s nothing I hate more, as a fan, than being blatantly told who I have to like or dislike. I enjoy making up my own mind when it comes to characters and pairings.

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Soap fans are pretty loyal as far as characters go (I don’t know why Guza hasn’t figured this out yet) - - we like who we like. Soap viewers aren’t easily manipulated into feeling what TPTB want us to feel (at least not with the sloppy approach to character development that General Hospital takes). Claudia Zacchara is a great example of that fact.

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My point is that I highly doubt this storyline will have Guza’s desired effect of re-enforcing his mantra (mafia = good, civilian = bad).  So, it’s repetition for no good reason (unless a lack of creativity or writing skill is actually a good reason).

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Maxie fans will still be Maxie-fans when the story is over. They will be annoyed that the character was whored-out to prop JoLu, but they won’t like the character any less. Same with Lulu-haters or lovers - they will feel the same way in three months as they feel right now.

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I find a small amount of comfort in that predictability, it makes planning simple.

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For example, I know with reasonable certainty, that six months from now - - we’ll all be watching this exact same story again.

At Least I Have the Good Sense to Rip-Off Something Decent

I feel like it would be unimaginative to write yet another rant about Michael’s shooting. I also feel that, at my current average of five rants per week, I will have written approximately three thousand rants, by the time this flippin’ storyline is actually over.

That seems a tiny bit excessive, even for me.

I’ve been advised (by my therapist, on numerous occasions) to let go of things over which I have no control. It’s lucky for her I can’t seem to do that, or her kids would be attending community college right now, instead of whatever Ivy League institution I’m paying for (but I digress).

So, for this rant, I have decided to obey the letter of her law, but blatantly ignore it’s spirit. I am not going to complain about the insanely long time TPTB are dragging out Michael’s goodbye. Nor will I complain that the same six characters have been having the same eff-ing conversation every day for the last six weeks now. And, I’m not even going to complain about how none of the characters involved in this storyline are actually changing their behavior in any significant way in spite of all the supposed culpability they feel for this tragedy.

No, instead, I am going to put on my "happy-hat", focus on the positives, and comment on how pleasant the Sonny and Carly scenes were today - for the first two minutes, when they were screwing like adulterous bunnies and therefore, neither of them were actually speaking.

Watching today’s CarSon sex got me thinking about other things (in addition to my ranting and their dirty sex) that have already been done three thousand times before. This brings me to the never-ending guilt-a-thon of Carly, Jason and Sonny.

As much as I didn’t care to see the Sonny/Carly limo-romp, it did provide viewers a welcome relief from their incessant whining. Alas, it was only a two-minute break and then we were right back to the "whoa are we".

Veering slightly off-topic for a moment, even more unforgivable than the inappropriate timing and overall ickiness of said limo-sex, was the fact that somehow, throughout the course of the subsequent conversation - - Sonny came out looking like the injured party! What...The...Flip...? Dagnabit that’s hard to do, but leave it to Carly to cause me to feel sympathy for Sonny! This offense should not go unpunished, but alas we’re back in "things I can’t control" territory.

Back on topic - judging by the previews, it looks as though this Michael after-math muck will be continuing indefinitely. Therefore, to vent my displeasure, I have composed my very own top ten list ala David Letterman.

This may not be terribly original, but, I realize something that the writers of General Hospital clearly do not - - if you’re going to blatantly rip something off - - the "rip"ped item should be something worth "rip"ping in the first place!!

For example, do they not realize that the conversation doesn’t improve the tenth time the characters have it? Did they forget that Carly/Sonny post-traumatic sex has been done before (and badly)?

Newsflash: Sonny, Carly, and Jason realizing that their children are in danger because of decisions they have made as the adults, for the three-thousandth time and feeling bad about it, loses it’s impact after instance two-thousand-nine-hundred-ninety-nine and also after nothing changes, ever.

The writers really must find better source material to plagiarize, they’re just recycling old scripts here.

So, in honor of ideas that other people had first and did much better in the first place, I give you:

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The Top Ten Things I Would Rather Do Than Watch Sonny/Carly/Jason Have Another Meaningless Conversation About How Guilty They All Feel

10.) Re-live adolescence - social awkwardness, braces, acne and all!

9.) See the new Dane Cook movie

8.) Help my boyfriend’s mom pick out lingerie at Frederick’s of Hollywood

7.) Discuss politics with my grandfather

6.) Go to a Hannah Montana concert with my niece and six of her friends

5.) Start watching All My Children

4.) Have an appendectomy without anesthesia (on a remote island teeming with gun-toting whack-jobs)

3.) Crawl naked, dipped in honey, across broken glass sprinkled over a fire-ant nest

2.) Invite Hannibal Lecter to dinner (and let him cook)

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1.) Be shot in the head myself!