Tuesday in Port Charles was a frustrating mixture of annoying, really annoying, and stab myself in the cerebral cortex annoying, this week. However, there was roughly five minutes of Dante and Lulu being adorable and two minutes of Olivia being vengeful to help off-set the mostly terrible.
The show opens with Maxie threatening Chef Robert with a butter knife (complete with actual butter on the tip) after he makes the mistake of grabbing her arm. Maxie babbles some inane explanation in high-pitched fashion, Chef Robert is confused and stalks off in a french huff. Maxie reports her findings to Spinelli and vows not to leave his side during the surveillance of this case. I'm confused, I have no idea what's going on here. Is this a real case? If not, what is Spinelli's motivation for making it up? And most importantly, why are innocent viewers being subjected to this nonsense at the same time we're already suffering through Sonny's endless trial pre-amble?
At General Hospital, Epiphany has just returned from her Beyonce concert and is in a fabulous mood, thanking Dr. Niles once again for getting her the tickets. Hey, what gives? I can't believe the writers actually remember that plot point, it happened like a week ago. Did someone over at ABC daytime accidentally let the continuity fairy out of her cage today or what?
Speaking of boxes of pain, Jason and Sam, who were all set to ferry Michael out of the country, are forced to improvise when Dante drops by unexpectedly. Sam, thinking quickly, partially disrobes as she answers the door (old habits die hard), giving the impression that Dante is interrupting an amorous moment. Dante wants Jason to convince Michael to talk to him, to give him a statement so the federal prosecutor doesn't subpoena him to testify at the trial. I don't think that's exactly how it works. Jason refuses to help, and Sam tries once again to convince Dante that she and Jason really need alone time. Not a sympathetic audience sweetheart, Dante hasn't gotten laid since he got to Port Charles nine months ago - - if he's not getting any, neither are you and Jason!
Sonny and Carly argue at The Metro Courtabout the prudency of Michael leaving the country. Jax advises them to keep their voices down. Why? Are the five people in town who don'tknow Michael's the killer, within earshot? Somehow, I think the hotel restaurant is out of the PCPD's price-range. Jax takes Sonny's side, saying that Mikey will be safer on the island than in Port Charles. Carly mouthes off again about Jax's lack of concern for her son . . . blah, blah, I fast-forwarded.
At Kelly's, Kristina runs into Ethan who is waiting for secretary decoy girl to meet him. Ethan tells Kristina that they should hang out with people their own age. Kristina proceeds to order black coffee and a salad instead of her customary peanut butter cookie. Etahn is not paying attention in the least. Kiefer stops by with big plans for Friday, a college party that he wants Kristina to dress sexy for. Meanwhile, the ditsy blonde has figured out that she was merely a means to an illegal end, but she doesn't seem to care, accompanying Ethan out the door anyway.
Dante knocks on the door of Lulu's apartment and immediately pulls her into a passionate kiss. They are on the verge of finally breaking his dry spell when Maxie bursts in, needing to change clothes into more appropriate stake-out attire. After Maxie finally leaves, they are about to get back to business when Ronnie pounds on the door. Seriously, whatis with this guy? Isn't this like the third time he's interrupted them? Is it like a NYPD special directive to ensure that Dante remains celibate or something?
Lisa invites Patrick for a darts rematch, and then pretends that Robin was invited too when she happens to walk by. Robin doesn't want to go, but encourages Patrick to have fun. Thus begins the umpteenth argument between the two regarding the freedoms both (mainly him) gave up when they got married. Give me a break. Dr. Steven Webber -sighting - yay! Later, Lisa needs Patrick's expertise on a patient who's signs are "neurological". I swear that's not a word. Patrick gives her this opinion while she stands around in her skivvies in the locker room. Oh for heaven's sake.
Carly goes to the penthouse to rescue Micheal from his rescue, but Jason convinces Carly to trust that he knows what's best for Michael. Later, Jason reminisces about taking Mikey to the island as a baby and how stubborn he was, even then. Michael wants Jason to acknowledge that he's grown up now. Try acting like it once and a while, you snot-nosed brat.
At The Metro Court, Sonny stays to eat the meal that Carly had prepared for him. He wants Olivia to tell him about Dante. First she refuses, but then ends up divulging his love for science and history, dislike of math, and favorite superhero - - spiderman, a man with a secret identity who fights crime, just like Dante grew up to be. Olivia also mentions Dante's real-life hero Vince Piletti. Olivia finally speaks the words we have all been dying to hear when she tells Sonny "Every man you shot was somebody's son, this time it just happened to be yours!" She told him but good. I would like to nominated that passage for dialogue of the decade, please. Sadly, I've seen this show before, so I'm relatively certain that conversation was supposed to be foreplay.
Maxie and Spinelli are inexplicably back in the storm drain where they tracked Diego Alcazar several years ago. I am now convinced that Spin is fabricating the case, but still have no clue why. Ahhh, it's just like old times - - Maxie shrieks regarding rodents, Spinelli drops his laptop and the metal gates drop down from the ceiling, thus trapping the pair. It's just like old times, except Spixie were novel the first time around and therefore less grating.
Ronnie and Dante search Sonny's house while waiting for him to return home so they can question Michael. Honestly, what does Sonny pay Max and Milo for??? Sonny's pissy about Dante "harassing" his brother, he's also a little smug about the fact that Michael is already gone.
Carly visits Lulu to ask her to convince Dante to be sympathetic to Sonny whilst on the witness stand. Carly says Michael's been through enough, he can't take being subpoenaed. Lulu refuses to sway Dante in either direction. Carly warns Lulu not to let Dante see how much she despises Sonny because Dante will eventually want a relationship with his Dad. My deepest fear is that Carly is actually right here.