For approximately the last week, I have been fighting some sort of stomach bug: fever, chills, intestinal distress. Without going into too much detail, let's just say - - it has not been pretty.
Sans an "official" diagnosis, my first instinct is to blame swine flu (although I would never want to blemish the reputation of honest, disease-free porcine), so instead I will refer to my illness by it's proper name: H1N1.
My family doctor assured me that this virus has been overly-hyped by the media and is not really any worse than the flu in general, and therefore there is no need to update my living will, at this time. However, this is also the same doctor who assured me that the anti-nausea medication he was prescribing for me had very few side-effects, which my visit to the emergency room seems to contradict.
For the record, the doctor at the hospital agreed with my family doctor, side-effects are very rare indeed, he informed me as they shot me full of drugs to bring down the facial swelling and re-open my windpipe. (Let's just say that "I've never seen anything like this" tops my list of phrases that I never want to hear my doctor say, ever again).
My recent travails with H1N1 cause me to be even more keenly aware of the swine flu epidemic currently making it's way across Port Charles, and it raises the question - - are all men pigs? Have the writers forgotten who their target audience is? Newsflash - - it's women looking for their fantasy Prince Charming with candlelight and rose petals to break up the monotony of their endless workday. If we wanted bloodshed and violence, we'd be watching the news instead!
Never one to throw stones without cause, let's look at the current male characters on the canvas and their swine-like behavior:
First, we have Sonny, the Guza-appointed leading-man of the show, who is such a sensitive and loving husband that he insisted on an amniocentesis while his pregnant wife was in the hospital after falling down the stairs. Next, he gets inappropriately possessive of a former flame and makes it quite clear to his wife that she will always rank far below his highschool one-night stand on his priority list (not that Claudia doesn't deserve it, mind you). Finally, comes the desktop and living room sex afterwhich he barely has his pants zipped before he's proclaiming that it won't happen again (has Sonny never heard of cuddling?). Those are just a few examples from the last month, if I went further back, I'd run out of space on the internet! Sonny is a pig, motion passes.
Next we have Jason, who in his infinite wisdom, has decided not to tell Alexis that her sixteen year old daughter is going all Poison Ivy on him, staying out past curfew, driving without a license, and procuring fake IDs for alcohol consumption at Jake's. Doesn't Jason remember when Michael was playing with guns and listening to rap music, and he and Sonny were all like "let's not bother Carly, let's handle this ourselves"? Well, I remember, quite painfully, what a bang-up job he did "handling" things the last time. Jason, you are not the arbiter of good and bad in Port Charles - - tell the child's mother what she's getting herself into before we have another angst-ridden vegetable on our hands!!
Next there's Ric who, when he's not being totally ignored by the writers, is locking pregnant women in panic rooms, cheating on his cancer-stricken wife with her own daughter, or taunting Claudia mercilessly about the baby he thinks is his and threatening to expose her to Sonny. Although, maybe I shouldn't count Ric since he's on his way to sunny Los Angeles as we speak?
Then there's good old Mayor Floyd, who until recently I thought had no first name (turns out it's Garrett). Ahh, the awesome John Bolger finally gets a story that doesn't involve rollerblading or being an enormous blowhard, only to get stuck in the pigish position of having cheated on his wife with his now-dead secretary. The character may be a pig in the truest sense, but I am holding out hope for an enjoyable old-fashioned murder mystery that doesn't involve an endless month-long day, heroic mobsters, or gargoyles of any kind (foolish, yes, but we all have our dreams).
The apple sure doesn't fall far from the tree where Michael Corinthos III is concerned. So far, he's yelled and thrown things at several hospital staff members, shoved his mother, punched Jason, and just generally been a rebel without a clue. And what kind of sexist pig says he shouldn't be "crying like a little bitch" when he has an emotional break down? The kind raised by Sonny, clearly.
Even my boy Jax, white knight extraordinaire, is teetering dangerously close to the pig-precipice. You just know Carly is not going to forgive him when she finds out he's been keeping the truth about Michael's shooting from her, heck Carly barely forgave Jax for "cheating" on her when he was raped. And another thing, since when does Jax get to decide what another person can or can't handle? - - I mean, he's not Sonny, afterall.
Then of course, there's Prince Nikolas, who is currently "dating" his dead fiancee's twin sister by dressing her up in Emily's clothes, and doing Emily-like things with her. I think Nikolas had better re-read that princely instruction manual, I'm pretty sure that treating women like interchangeable playthings is frowned upon.
The great Luke Spencer and his true love, Laura? Apparently, according to Bob Guza, the pig was cheating on her all those years they were on the run building a family together.
Last, but not least, are the Drake boys, the least of the offenders - - Matt Hunter who gets drunk and hits on Maxie and then insults Spinelli before ultimately punching the lovable dork, and Patrick Drake, who has recovered nicely from some of his own very pig-like moments during the "post-partum-depression" storyline. At the risk of jinxing it, I am really looking forward to their upcoming Scrubs murder investigation (as long as Diego isn't the killer, I'll be happy).
I just don't understand it, where have all the good men gone? Where's the street-rise Hercules to fight the rising odds? Isn't there a white knight, upon a fiery steed?
It's not that I mind a bad boy every now and then, but there has to be some redeeming value to make them watchable. Newsflash, Guza - - treating women despicably doesn't count as redeeming value, in fact, it's the opposite!
I'm not holding my breath for Guza to figure out the difference, but I can't help holding out for a hero.
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