Port Charles Chuckles

It's A Wonderful Life

Tuesday's episode where Maxie imagines what life in Port Charles would have been like without her was an interesting change of pace. 

Do I buy that Maxie was the glue that held the Scorpio/Jones families together?  Not really, but it's totally in-character for her to think so.

Am I willing to forget all the people who's lives would have been better without Maxie around?  Lulu and Logan, Lucky and Elizabeth, Georgie - No.

Did I like the variety that this little fantasy brought to General Hospital?   Absolutely.

Wonderful:

The fact that Maxie's dream world included different characters having different conversations about different subjects Maxie's dream world oddly mirrors my own fantasy-land in which characters don't have the same conversation for months at a time.

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Seeing Jason Cook on-screen for a few minutes.   Seriously, what was the point of bumping Logan off if his replacement was going to collect dust on a shelf for the next nine months? - - give the boy a story, make it worth my mental anguish!!

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Seeing Carly finally being recognized as the harlot she is by the bulk of Port Charles.  Score!!
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Mac, Mike, Bobbie and Monica all in one show?   Pinch me, Maxie and I are both dreaming.

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Getting to see the fabulous cast stretch their acting muscles to portray different emotions.   Johnny as power-mad and vicious, Robin as meek and doormat-ish, Mac as a fall-down drunk, Carly as . . . .  well, nevermind that was pretty much the same, Patrick as cruel and heartless, Spinelli as cold and rude - - it was a nice reminder of what this talented group of actors can do if only given the chance.

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The reassuring comfort in knowing that Coleman is still Coleman in any universe. 

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Patrick's burn of the day: {to Carly} "having kids with you? that's like giving kids to a boa constrictor"

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No Sonny?  No Jason?  No Kidding?!?

 

Not-Wonderful:

The endless plugs for V-8 Fusion and other Campbell's products.   I guess money makes the world go-round no matter where you are.

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Guza's complete and total disregard for actual show history or context.  Not that that's new.

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The fact that it will be back to mob business as usual tomorrow.

Is Shameless Product Placement Part of a Heart-Healthy Diet?

Maxie wakes Spinelli up with a healthy breakfast including V8 Fusion.  Milo stops by to give Diane advice on heart-healthy living and just so happens to have a jar of Prego in his trench coat.  I wonder what Sonny's enemies would think if they knew that was what Milo was packing under his jacket.  Maxie and Lulu have a collective hissy over the fact that Crimson's model was a no-show to wear the magazine's dress at the "Red Dress" fashion show and must scurry to ensure that the dress is worn at the Campbell's Gala instead.

So, for those who aren't especially good with subtlety, allow me to clarify: February is Campbell's Soup month . . . . . . er . . . . . um . . . . . Heart Disease Awareness Month. 

Once again this year, Campbell's and ABC Daytime have teamed up to make sure that the twelve people who are still watching General Hospital are fully informed about the benefits of Prego spaghetti sauce.  I, for one, appreciate this type of educational story-telling.  It's a far cry from the anti-gun message of hope that Guza intended Michael's shooting to be, but practically nothing can live up to that stellar legacy of public service announcements, so why even try?

This year, General Hospital has hit upon the brilliant idea to actually involve Maxie Jones - - a heart-transplant recipient and legacy character, in their 60-minute commercial for Campbell's.  This is an awesome idea, because the character of Maxie was involved in one of the show's most memorable, tear-jerking storylines from way back in the days when fans were crying because the show was so good and not because it is so horribly cringe-worthy. 

 

In my year-end review for 2008, I awarded Campbell's Heart Disease Month Best Use of Soaps as an Educational Tool and praised them for teaching viewers to be heart healthy so they can live long enough to be shot on their wedding day(s).  I can only hope that the upcoming "story" will provide similar educational insights and garner more year-end accolades.

The fact that the writers are bothering to include Maxie this time around is a good sign, but I'm not holding my breath for anything more meaningful to develop than the Spixie/JoLu quadrangle (if you consider that meaningful, which I do not).  As I watch, I sit with my Arbor Mist and fast-forward button at the ready as I slog my way through another ill-conceived heavy-handed attempt at product placement ala Monavie.

Which brings up an interesting question: do you suppose I could get kick-backs from Arbor Mist or Absolut vodka on account of how often I find their products integral to my General Hospital-watching experience?  I may have to look in to that.

Until then, I sit here at my Dell computer, wearing my Levi jeans and Adidas sneakers, sipping my Coca-Cola Classic, eating my Pringles potato crisps, and wondering what the next week in Port Charles holds in store . . . . . .

Is There a Quota That I'm Unaware Of?

So, it appears that we have come to the end of General Hospital's bi-yearly non-sweeps extravaganza o' destruction, and I find myself with a few questions. 

Okay, more than a few - - the main ones start with "Bob Guza. . ." and end with ". . . . still employed?!?" with various colorful adjectives and four-letter words thrown into the middle.  And then of course, there are the confusing plot-holes which initiated much head-scratching, but I'm not sure the internet has enough space for me to tackle those questions.  So instead, I have chosen to focus on one question : "is it physically impossible for Bob Guza to write a story without someone getting shot?" 

Seriously?  I mean, I'm not asking him to write a story where the hero is anyone other than the local hitman or his Capo.  I'm not saying "let the PCPD solve a case, for once".  I'm not even requesting that Carly be portrayed as anything except a sainted example of womanhood and the greatest mother to ever mother.  But COME ON, can no one think of an idea for building tension BESIDES gunfire?

Let's recap:  most of the show's major players are at General Hospital for one reason or another, poisonous gas has been released into the air ducts necessitating a hospital-wide quarantine, there is about to be a major explosion trapping half the town inside of the burning building - - where does a gunshot wound fit in to this picture?

The answer is:  nowhere!

Guza is the king of square peg/round hole.  "mobsters do belong as the centerpiece in a show about a hospital, they do, they do"  "we need a shooting in our story about biohazard contamination of civilians, we do, we do"

Honestly, at this point, in addition to being absurd, a gunshot wound fails at tension-building also because Jason being shot is old-hat by now.  I mean, was any viewer the slightest bit concerned or surprised?  Did anyone think that this injury might actually hinder hitman Jason as he sped around GH in his cape, saving damsels and putting out fires?

I did not.

It's laughable at this point, I could take bets on when someone is going to get shot next - - there's no "if" about it.  Truthfully, I am actually kind of pleased that they didn't shoot Robin again this time. Although, at least I would have cared if they'd shot her, I'd almost have preferred that resulting outrage to my current soul-killing numbness.

Not to make Jason's shooting sound like complete and utter dreck, it did provide a few welcome moments of intentional humor.  (Let's be clear that there was plenty of unintentional hilarity flying around with the toxic gas during this storyline).  Jason's outrage and Sam's subsequent defense of the accidental shooting were pretty funny, as well as Epiphany's awesome diatribe "A blizzard outside, the hospital locked down by the FBI, a deadly poison loose in the air supply, and here I am, bandaging up everyone's favorite hitman, and he won't even tell me how he got shot."

I'd like to know that too Piph, I'm thinking maybe Bob Guza was playing darts again - - you're bound to get a few repetitive "events" when the only two options on the plot-wall are "shoot something" and "blow ish up".  Yup, it's Wednesday - - must be time to shoot someone, Friday? - that's explosion-day.  I will admit that toxic gas month is a new one, but I'm sure we'll be seeing it again soon now that Guza's had so much "success" with his "never seen before on daytime" storyline.

You know how numb to the violence I am at this point?  I'm not even going to mention how completely ludicrous it was that Sam, Jason, Sonny, and that biker-guy day-player were all packing heat in a hospital?!?! A hospital!! - -  a hospital where Sonny was attending a benefit in honor of his tween-age son, who was shot in the head!!  Who carries a piece in a situation like that?

I've come to the conclusion that Guza is participating in a childish contest with TPTB over at All My Children to see who can get the most mileage out of a repetitive and idiotic plot-device.  Every time AMC sends a character over one of the many cliffs in Pennsylvania to their presumed death (I miss you, Josh Duhamel), Guza sits in his office all self-important and superior thinking "ha! amateurs, talk to me when you've had a shooting, a stabbing, and a strangulation all in the same week!. Tune in next week for more of the same, bloodbath is my middle name!"

Speaking of offensive children, I've got an awesome solution to our nation's current economic crisis - - remember how your mother didn't want you to curse as a teenager, so she would make you contribute a dollar to the "swear jar" every time you said a bad word?  Same concept here - - every time Guza shoots, stabs, strangles or maims a character on General Hospital, he contributes a dollar to the "gratuitous violence jar".

According to my calculations, by using this method we should be able to balance the national budget by . . . . mid-March. . . . of this year. 

You're welcome Mr. President, happy to help. 

Next on the agenda - - an end to world hunger, I'm thinking maybe we give Sonny a "bitch/whore jar". . . . .