Port Charles Chuckles

Dialogue of the Day - - January 23, 2009

Monica, Edward and Tracy are discussing the upcoming fundraiser that Sonny and Carly are having in honor of Michael.  Tracy is against donating money because Sonny is a criminal, Monica wants to help "the greater good" and Edward "was always very fond of Carly".

Monica:  And by the way, Carly is very, very sorry that she kept Michael away from this family.

Tracy: Ha!(laughs uproariously)  You don't believe that.

Edward: I do, if AJ had been strong enough to hold on to Carly think what she would have brought to this family - - a lot of children and lively spirit.

Tracy: Carly is nothing but a social-climbing, gold-digging, tramp who got lucky!

Perhaps This is Guza's Solution to the Earth's Over-Population Problem?

I have been told that . . . upon occasion, I can be . . . a tad . . . what's the word I'm looking for? . . . narcissistic. 

Many's the time I've found myself in traffic, stuck behind some little old lady in a Buick, convinced that she is driving ten miles under the speed limit because she knows that I am late for work, rather than reaching the far more logical conclusion that she can't see over the steering wheel and is therefore practicing appropriate caution given the situation.

When ABC canceled Dirty, Sexy, Money while inexplicably continuing to produce Private Practice (which I find to be one Grey's Anatomy spin-off too many), I was certain that it was a direct insult to my personage, a deliberate attempt to drive me batty.  How is it possible that the awesome Peter Krause keeps starring in great shows that are canceled prematurely, when Jim Belushi (who is probably a perfectly nice guy, but obviously not an actor) stars in that obnoxious sitcom which has been on the air for approximately fifty years?  How??

In periods of lucidity and self-awareness, I am prepared to admit that the aforementioned incidents are probably valid examples of my inflated view of my own importance - - I am willing to concede that ABC and little old ladies in Buicks are probably not targeting me specifically.

However, you will not convince me that Bob Guza isn't!!

No sooner had I blogged about Winifred and Spinelli and how if the geeks inherit the Earth, I'm re-locating to Mars, than Bob Guza is shooting off his mouth in Soap Opera Digest about how Winifred will be sticking around Port Charles.  That son of a biscuit is taunting me!  This is all part of his dastardly plan: forcing viewers to run screaming from the planet!

"She is a find", raves Head Writer Robert Guza Jr.  "I'd love to say that when we came up with the story, we knew all along we were going to keep her. {Ed note: See?!? He decided to keep her only after he figured out it was the surest way to push me over the edge} [We] did not.  This is one of those situations where we brought her in for a specific purpose {to annoy me, no doubt} and fell in love with her and then shifted things slightly so we could keep her.  She and Bradford together are a hoot." {Define "hoot" please? Clearly, he finds my mental anguish amusing.}

 

Just flippin' kill me now - - two Spinellis, I can not take.  "Spixie" are cute as a pair - - at least Maxie balances Spinelli out in scenes, makes him tone down the geek-speak a little.  Spinelli and Winifred together are the very definition of "overkill".  (On second thought, at least that explains Guza's fascination with the idea). 

 

And what are fans going to call this "hoot" - - SpinWinnie?  WinSpinnie? Spinifred?  Winneilli?

 

Of all the ridiculous couple-names created over the years, this is just the worst - - and no one will convince me that Guza didn't set it up that way on purpose, just to torment me.  There is only one response for such a blatant and un-provoked attack : .

 

If I've said it once, I've said it a million times:  Guza sucks!

 

Which reminds me, I've also been told that I am prone to exaggeration.  That accusation is of course, preposterous - - - this really is the end of the world as we know it! 

 

I guess you'd better book me a ticket on the first passenger-shuttle to Mars.

 

On second thought, maybe viewers should pool their resources and send Guza instead?

 

 

If Only I'd Bought Stock in Bodybags

Waiting in line at the grocery store check-out this week, I found myself behind a cute elderly couple who were wearing matching tracksuits.  They were one of those spry, healthy-looking older couples (both clearly in their seventies) who cause one to consider ones own mortality and to postulate that maybe growing old won't be so bad, after all.  That is, until you notice the Efferdent and Depends in their shopping cart.   None-the-less, I think it's absolutely adorable when little old people dress alike. 

The couple became less adorable however, as I waited behind them in the "express" lane, coming to the unfortunate realization that in addition to dentures and a bladder-control problem, they also had a cat - - a cat for which they were purchasing approximately 50 tiny cans of cat food. 

If I might digress for one moment, that is a major pet-peeve of mine - - people who think that yogurt or cat food only counts as one item, even if you're purchasing ten of them.  If it needs to be scanned individually, than each can counts as one item - - get out of the express lane!!!

This minor frustration did give me a chance to notice the headlines on the magazines in the rack however, and I couldn't help but notice a couple things that are completely foreign to me on the cover of the current issue of ABC Soaps in Depth:

Have I finally given up on reality completely and am now hallucinating my own version of General Hospital?  Is that really Monica flippin' Quartermaine on the cover?!?  I think the last time Leslie Charleson got a cover was in the 90s. . . the early 90s.

The second unusual occurrence is the fact that 3 out of the 4 characters featured prominently on the cover actually work at the hospital, General Hospital,in point of fact.  They are medical professionals who work at the titular location of the show - - I am tempted to squeal with delight . . . but alas, the presence of Sonny prevents me.

On the one hand, I'd really like take this as a sign, to be optimistic and say that this cover represents a shift in focus, that this cover is indicative of the realization that the hospital and not the mafia should be the heart of the show . . . but alas, the presence of Sonny prevents me.

On the one hand, I'd like to look forward to a hospital-themed umbrella story with several neglected characters making long-desired returns to the canvas (Bobbie, Monica, Edward, Audrey). . . but alas, I vividly recall the last few "events" such as this.  Let's call them "the death of Tony Jones" (or the character assassination of Robert Scorpio) aka the monkey-virus fiasco, "the death of Alan Quartermaine" aka the MetroCourt hostage crisis and "the death of Emily Quartermaine" aka the black and white ball.

Yup, the sweeps stunts of the last few years have not ended well for our veterans and long-time non-mob characters.  With Guza promising gleefully "There Will Be Casualties!", I am certain my trepidation is well-founded in this case.

I fear this is going to be another kill off the thirty-year veteran storyline, and I fear Monica will be the next victim.   With Guza and his pension for gratuitous death, how long can it be before Monica is sitting right beside conscience-Alan on the couch, cracking wise in Tracy's head and offering unsolicited advice?

Dagnabit! I wish I hadn't said that I thought old people in matching tracksuits were cute . . . . .