It's that time of year once again: Halloween, a time for terrifying specters like goblins, ghosts, ghouls and Guza. In keeping with the spirit of the season, it is also time for my semi-annual attempt at musicality - - I warn you, it's bound to be scary.
I originally toyed with the idea of spoofing Monster Mash, but Mobster Mash seemed just a tad uncreative. My next idea involved turning Werewolves of London into Creatively Bankrupt Hacks of Hollywood, but alas, there are only so many words that rhyme with "misogynist". Consequently, I was forced to dig deep for an obscure, but appropriate, Halloween-themed song to properly describe the horror that is present-day General Hospital.
The inspiration for my latest little ditty comes from Will Smith. Way back in the early to mid-nineties, before he became an uber-mega-superstar, he was calling himself The Fresh Prince of Bel Air and rapping about how Parents Just Don't Understand. Those of you who are old enough to remember those days, will also recall that period of time as the last in-which General Hospital was half-way decent.
In honor of Halloween, The Fresh Prince and DJ Jazzy Jeff released Nightmare on My Street. Today, I give you my own General Hospital-slant on the song :
Nightmare on my Soap
Now I have a story that I'd like to tell
About this guy you all know him, he has me scared as hell!
He comes to me after lunch, when I turn on the tube,
He's creatively bankrupt, and an enormous boob!
He writes the same dreck and violence every single day,
And even if viewers complain, he writes it anyway!
He's drunk on power, a misogynist's great hope
I can't believe there's a nightmare - - head-writing my soap!
It was a Tuesday afternoon if I remember it right,
I was home from school due to a fever I'd had all night.
I was watching the tube, laying in bed,
Trying to erase the pain from my head.
While flipping the remote, I landed on Daytime, ABC - -
It turns out, that was the hottest place to be!
Sonny and Brenda were steaming up the screen,
Luke and Laura were a wonderful dream.
Monica and Alan, Lois and Ned,
My taste for romance, always was fed.
ELQ was front and center stage,
The hospital and core families were still all the rage.
I was addicted in only one week,
Suddenly I'd become a soap-opera-freak.
I'd rush home immediately, right after school,
I couldn't miss a show, I was a soap-loving fool.
In college, I'd schedule classes around my favorite soap
My housemates all called me a ginormous dope.
Things were going along quite well,
But they began to change, so subtle at first, one could hardly tell.
Sonny and the mob started leading the show,
The Jones, The Baldwins - - their loss was a blow.
Gone was my love in the afternoon,
I can't even fathom how it happened so soon.
Now there's murder and mayhem, explosions galore,
Plot and character development are considered a bore.
The gangsters are heroes, the cops are a joke - -
The entire canvas is under mob's yoke.
They killed off Justus & AJ to further the cause,
Of deifying those who break all the laws.
War Vets are portrayed as rapists and thugs,
While Max and Milo are lovable lugs.
The ratio of death to love scenes is too high,
The bodycount during sweeps, reaches for the sky!
Emily, Georgie and Logan are all dead,
And young Michael Corinthos has been shot in the head!
Gone are most of the hospital's doctors and nurses
Exiting characters all leave via hearses!
Nowadays, the cast is filled with disposable newbies,
While the veterans play second fiddle, looking like boobies.
The dialogue is so often quite lame
The plotlines are frequently much of the same.
Guza's stories continue to incite my soap-opera-rage,
His plots are insults that fly off the page.
Guza's views on women are truly appalling,
Have you seen Carly? Talk about galling!
It's all I can do now, to watch in real time,
I find that it helps to have some salt and a lime.
My fast-forward button gets more and more use,
I'm not sure how much longer I can stand the abuse.
There seems no end to this nightmare in sight,
In viewer dismay, Guza takes great delight.
The Emmys this year - - what a humorless joke,
Best Show, are you kidding? Someone fire this bloke!
The violence, the blood, it seems so unending
Is there a single person Guza isn't offending?
Someone please, please wake me from this horrible dream,
Oh shucks, I give up - - just pass the Jim Beam!
- - I am genuinely disappointed that Night Shift is over. 
- - the episode tied up all of the loose ends in a satisfying manner, but left room for storyline continuation later, if there ends up being a Season 3. 
Three cheers for Sri Rao - - a man who knows how 
- - he's getting better, the infection is clearing up, 
- - Saira wakes up.
- - mutual apologies, she says she might be coming back to work at GH since the coffee shop wouldn't hire her. Um, yeah, I wouldn't hire her either.
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pulled her from the burning car - - Leo leaves out the part where he set himself ablaze trying to rescue her first.
.Patrick admits that he failed as chief of staff, but for once, he's okay with not winning. Patrick intends to go back to what he does best - - surgeoning. This was a great scene, it really shows the growth and development of the character of Patrick that Sri has been working on throughout the season. 
I love that Sri Rao remembers Epiphany had a son, unlike that dip Guza who set-up and then dropped Stan's murder storyline on regular GH. Toussaint allowed the boy's mother to keep them apart in the past, but he vows not to make the same mistake twice. I guess this means Billy Dee's out for season 3, or maybe his son is "in"? In any event, I like that they are foreshadowing it here.
. Awww, I really wish Jagger was staying, but at least this is the sort of exit that allows for a plausible return. Robin makes Jagger promise to return to Port Charles when the fight is over. Jagger apologizes for any tension he may have caused with Patrick. Is he kidding? That was one of the best parts of the season - - the believable, organic tension Jagger created within the Scrubs storyline as opposed to the contrived, forced tension cough*Leyla*cough that we've seen previously.
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. Robert and Anna share a kiss!
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. Awwww.
. Good, fun, brotherly-dynamic on display here.
). Epiphany practically "hops" by, to hysterically provide Jagger with her e-mail address in case he has any questions about Stone (or anything else). Toussaint asks if Piph is giving him a hard time - - Jagger replies that Toussaint is a lucky guy. 
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. Anna arrives too late to catch him and realizes that Robert needs to "fix" himself. Robert leave a note promising to see her on the beach one day with those mai-tais once he's back to his old self. It really was the perfect ending for this chapter of their story - - true to both characters, while still leaving the door open for the future. 
- - he may have single-handedly restored my faith in the genre. 